The Devil Takes on the MTV Generation - The Real World: Berlin.

This is the true story of seven people, picked to live in a house, have their lives taped, and be tempted by the devil...

The roommates (note: any similarity between the following characters and actual people who appeared on past seasons of The Real World is purely coincidental and due to MTV's extremely warped definition of "character diversity"):

Jamal (the "young militant black man"): a 20-year-old African-American college student from Birmingham, Alabama. He is the oldest of five children. His father is a preacher and his mother is a homemaker. The only thing that upsets him more than "the black man suffering at the hands of the white oppressor" is any controversial debate about race where he does not monopolize the discussion.

Marlene (the "Hispanic Jewish Lesbian"): a 19-year-old college student from Orlando, Florida. Marlene's father left shortly after she was born and her mother is a secretary at a law firm. She is an only child and often employs "shock value" tactics in order to be the center of attention. An avid animal rights activist, Marlene would never touch meat or fur. She's thinking of becoming the first official Jewish-Buddhist Lesbian and she brought her black tomcat, Dee, to the house.

Benjamin (the "too-smart-to-be-bothered-with-mere-mortals gay artistic genius"): He was born in London and lived there until he was three when his parents decided to move to the States. After leaving Harvard law school (which he had started at 19), 23-year-old Ben dabbled in Communist organizations across America before deciding to settle down in New York and pursue his art. Ben's parents currently live on a Kibbutz somewhere in Israel.

Kyle (the "all-American retard"): Originally from Montclair, New Jersey, 20-year-old Kyle is the middle of three brothers. Although Kyle never excelled in school, his impressive lacrosse skills (along with dad's yearly six figure contribution) landed him a spot at one of America's, ahem, top ivy league Universities…(and I don't mean Princeton).

Helen (the "aspiring singer/model/actress nitwit"): Originally from a suburb of L.A., 18-year old Helen sees The Real World as her opportunity to break into show business. The only thing more important to her than her aspiring career (besides world peace, puppies, and chocolate chip cookies that is) is her perfect complexion and shining blond hair. She arrived at the house with her little black poodle, Ro-Jo.

Sonya (the "MTV-needs-to-spice-this-shit-up-with-some-signature-weirdo" gothic slut): 22-year-old Sonya was never happy with her normal middle-class suburban life. She began having sex "to fill the empty void that is her existence" at an early age and also became very involved in the local Satan-worshipping scene. She eats girls like Helen for breakfast, spits them into her spell book, and still has time to spare before her 11 am orgy.

Scratch (the "we can't quite figure out why we like this guy" guy): When Scratch told the MTV producers he destroyed souls for a living, they all fell of their chairs laughing - what a great way to describe a career in the IRS, and with connections to Bill Gates, Newt Gingrich, and OJ Simpson, and a striking resemblance to a young Martin Sheen, the casting crew thought they couldn't go wrong; although they were a little hesitant to take on someone who claimed he was "as old as time" and wrote that he "played considerable role in shaping the ideology of Hitler, Stalin, and Fidel Castro" under previous job experience.

Episode one: "Souls for the Taking"

Scratch (in the confessional): Although I don't have a lot of experience with the younger crowd, I don't think I'll have a problem winning souls from these insipid Gen-xers. I mean, come on, at least Faust was a smart guy. These kids are so superficial and materialistic, they're practically handing me their souls on a silver platter. I guess I'll just destroy them one by one, whaha, whaha, whahahaha!!!! (From the background Kyle shouts, "shut up, we're trying to sleep!" Scratch apologizes, turns off the camera and the light, and leaves the room, bumping his head on the doorway).

Scratch (enthusiastically): hey Jamal, what up?

Jamal (breaking eggs, not even looking at him): not much man.

Scratch: yeah….um…..so….what are you planning on doing today?

Jamal: Well there's a march against white oppression at the square, I might swing by that.

Scratch: yeah, march against oppression, I hear ya brotha!

Jamal: excuse me?

Scratch: uh….

Jamal: did you just refer to me as your bother?

Scratch: well I -

Jamal: You are not my "brotha" (makes quote motion with his fingers).

Scratch: well I know -

Jamal: I hate that kind of *BEEP*, man. You think just because you have your Eminem CD's and your backwards caps, and you use ebonics now, that we're "brotha's" (makes quote motion again). Let me tell you my friend, we are not "brotha's" (motion). Since the beginning of time, your people have tried to keep my people down, first with real chains and whips and now with modern-day industrial and technological shackles. Your people rise to the top of corporate America, while my real brothers suffer in the ghetto. Hip hop music isn't bridging any gaps, let me tell you that!

Scratch (eyes wide, is legitimately sorry): Look, I'm really sorry.

Jamal: That's right. You bet you're sorry! Try apologizing for the last 200 years!

Scratch: Look, I feel terrible, I really would like to make this up to you.

Jamal (sarcastically): Is that so?

Scratch: Yeah, look, I'll give you anything you want, just name it…

Jamal: What the *BEEP* are you talking about man?! I mean really, what the *BEEP*?!

Scratch: seriously man, anything you want; charms made of pure gold…

Jamal: What the *BEEP*?!?!? What, just because I'm black, you think I have to want gold chains and a Rolee?!!!

Scratch: No I -

Jamal: And what's the catch?

Scratch: catch?

Jamal: well you know whenever the Whiteman offers you something for "free" (motion), there's gotta be a catch…

Scratch: hmmm….well….there is the simple matter of your soul…

Jamal: My soul? My soul?! It's not enough for you people to take our money and our freedom, now you gotta take our souls too?! That's bull*BEEP* man, pure Bull*BEEP*!

Scratch: No, I didn't mean -

Jamal: Whatever man, I'm out of here, I've had enough of this *BEEP*

(Jamal leaves the kitchen as a stunned Scratch watches him. Eminem's "Hellbound" plays in the background)

Jamal: I mean, I really couldn't believe this guy. We're only living in the house for what, 48 hours, and already he's coming out with the racism! Next thing you know, he'll want me to call him my master! I can see it now (puts on exaggerated accent): yes Masta Scratch, what can I get for you, Masta Scratch? Something to drink, Masta Scratch? How bout a margarita for my great ol' Masta Scratch?!!

(Cut to Scratch in the confessional)

Scratch: Okay, so my first attempt didn't go so well…but I think I just started with the wrong person. I'm gonna set my sights a little lower and just try again….

(Cut to Kyle playing video games in the living room. He looks a little high and is completely transfixed on the television screen. Scratch approaches him and sits down next to him)

Scratch: Hey Kyle, how's it going?

Kyle (eyes still on the screen): uh, good.

Scratch: Whatcha doing?

Kyle: uh, playing a game.

Scratch: cool, man. Are you winning?

Kyle: uh, kinda.

Scratch: kinda?

Kyle: uh, I can never get the key to get past level 12. (Kyle pauses, then his eyes widen considerably and he reaches over and grabs Scratch's shirt collar) I will beat it at some point though, oh yes, I will beat it! (Kyle releases Scratch)

Scratch (surprised, but slightly pleased): hey, man I believe you. (Kyle's eyes droop down again and he resumes his game. Scratch leans down low so he is close to Kyle) Hey, what if I told you I could help you beat level 12?

Kyle (eyes still on the game): wha?

Scratch: I know how to get the key.

Kyle (pauses the game and looks at Scratch): So dude, what's the hold up? Tell it.

Scratch: well, I will…but I need something from you in return.

Kyle: Dude, I will pay you like, a gazillion dollars, just tell me.

Scratch: I don't want your money….there's something else….

Kyle: Dude, look I'm sorry, but I don't swing that way -

Scratch: No! No, no, no! (nervous laughter) Uh…it's not that...it's your soul.

Kyle: Dude, what?

Scratch: I want your soul.

Kyle: When he said that, I was just like, dude! Like, I mean really, dude! Next thing he's gonna tell me is that he knows the Prime Minister of Germany or something…(pauses)…wait, Germany's a country right?

Kyle (laughing so hard he falls off the couch): Dude, I'm sorry I just thought you said you wanted my soul!

Scratch: I did.

Kyle (keeps laughing, but then abruptly stops): Dude, what do you want with my soul?

Scratch: well that's really not important…just think….level 13…

Kyle (squinting eyes): well you have a point, but my soul is worth a little more than level 13…

Scratch (looking aside, sarcastically to himself): I'll bet…

Kyle: What's that?

Scratch: uh, I said, alright, let's bet. How bout I play ya for it?

Kyle: nah, dude, you have an unfair advantage - you already know how to get to level 13…

Scratch: alright. We can play anything else. Just name it.

Kyle (thinks for a minute): Dude, I got it. Beirut!!!

Scratch: uh….

Kyle: I'll match you drink for drink!!! (he gets up and runs to the kitchen, Scratch looks a little confused. In the background, we can hear Kyle's voice) Dude, all we have here is Medford Rum….

(Cut to later that day. Kyle went out to buy beer so there are bottles on the table and cups all over the place. Kyle and Scratch both look very drunk, but while Scratch is about ready to pass out, Kyle is still mostly in control of his faculties. Scratch almost falls over and Kyle reaches over, lifts him up, and puts his arm around him. In the opposite hand he holds a ping pong ball and stares at it intently. ZZ Top's "Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers" is playing in the background)

Kyle: See my friend….I toldm you, tos never believes you can beatm a Penn athletes in beirut! (Scratch falls to the ground despite Kyle's attempt to hold him up. Kyle doubles over laughing)

(Cut to Scratch in the confessional)

Scratch: Okay, so maybe that didn't go too well. But I'm not ready to give up yet. Maybe I had the wrong idea. Maybe I should stick to people with more ambition….

(Cut to Ben painting in his bedroom. Scratch approaches him from behind and looks at the canvas over Ben's shoulder. Fantomas' "Evil Genius" is playing in the background)

Scratch: wow, that's a wonderful painting.

Ben (rolling his eyes): uh, thanks.

Scratch: I really like your technique.

Ben (sarcastically): Riiiiiiight, because you know art so well.

Scratch (laughs it off): well in any case, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something Ben.

Ben (stops painting for a second to look at Scratch): Oh, hey man, while it's true that I'm gay, you're really not my type -

Scratch (laughs): Oh no, it's not that. Look, I was just wondering if an intelligent man like yourself ever wonders if there's more out there…

Ben (goes back to painting): What do you mean?

Scratch: Ben, how would you like to possess an infinite amount of knowledge?

Ben (laughs. "Evil Genius" ends and "Rosemary's Baby" comes on. He puts down the brush and turns towards Scratch): Listen, I don't mean to sound arrogant here, but, well, I already possess an infinite amount of knowledge.

Scratch (smiles): No, I don't mean the genius that a mere mortal can possess -

Ben: Excuse me, did you just call me a mere mortal?

Scratch: well you are a -

Ben (visibly angry): I can't believe you just said that to me!!!!!

Scratch: well I -

Ben: okay, Mr. Intelligence! How do you plan to give me infinite knowledge?!?

Scratch: Well that's not really important. What's important is what you're willing to give in return…

Ben (not taking Scratch seriously, laughs, and says sarcastically): oh yeah, what do you want?

Scratch: oh, just your soul.

Ben (laughs again): Riiiiight.

Scratch: Then you wouldn't mind parting with it?

Ben: Look buddy, I don't know what kind of cheap pick-up line this is, but I already told you…

Scratch: God *BEEP*ing damn it, why does everyone think I'm *BEEP*ing gay!

Ben: Hey man, you need to calm down -

Scratch: God, I really can't take this *BEEP* anymore.

(He storms out of the room. Ben looks perplexed. Then he shrugs and goes back to his painting)

(Cut to inserted interview with Ben)

Ben: It was just so odd. I guess he just has some issues with his sexuality. I mean I noticed him staring at me while I was working on my watercolor representation of the massacre at Wounded Knee, but I just shrugged it off. But after what happened yesterday, I'm positive that guy needs to spend some time in an asylum…nothing against him personally or anything. I mean, my good friend Ivan spent some time in an asylum once…

(Cut to Scratch in the confessional)

Scratch: Okay, I may have overreacted a bit back there with Ben, but now I've composed myself and I'm ready to move on. Perhaps convincing the chicks to part with their souls will be a little easier.

(Cut to Helen applying make-up in the bathroom. David Bowie's "All the Pretty Things Are Going to Hell" plays in the background. Helen is looking at herself when she notices Scratch standing behind her)

Helen: Hey Sweetie!

Scratch (surprised but happy to be received warmly): Hey Helen, how's it going?

Helen (does not take her eyes off of her own reflection): Pretty good, I'm getting ready for an audition.

Scratch: Really? An audition for what?

Helen: Hmmm….This play they're putting on at the old state theatre downtown, I think it's called Foist….

Scratch: You mean Faust?

Helen: yeah, that's it!!! How'd you know?

Scratch: Oh, just a lucky guess….

Helen: Good guess.

Scratch (smiles): so Helen, are you ready for this audition?

Helen: I hope so, I really want the part!!!!!!! They already cast the male lead! It's this really attractive actor named Henrik something-or-other -

Scratch (smile widens): Why that's just great…Helen, honey, how much do you want the part?

Helen: I would do ANYTHING to get it!

Scratch: perfect!

Helen (still looking at herself): What do you mean?

Scratch: Look, what if I told you I could guarantee you the part?

Helen (turns towards him): What do you mean?! How?!

Scratch: Well I'd just need something very simple from you in return…..

Helen: whoa, hmm….I always thought you were….well, gay….

Scratch: What the?!?!?! Ahhhh, nevermind. Look, I don't want to sleep with you.

Helen: So you are gay?

Scratch: No, I'm not gay! Look, I don't want sex, I want your soul!

Helen (squints): my soul?

Scratch: yes.

(Cut to inserted interview with Helen)

Helen: I mean, I guess I should have known something was fishy when he said that, but I'm just so naturally trusting and compassionate…

(Cut back to bathroom)

Helen (thinks for a minute): hmmmm….well, okay…if you can guarantee me the part….

Scratch: Really?!?! Great!!! (pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket) If you'll just sign right here….

Helen: okay, do you have a pen?

Scratch: oh no, you can't use a pen. You have to sign it in blood.

Helen: My own blood?!?!?

Scratch (reaching for her hand): Yeah, I'll just prick your finger right here…

Helen (pulling her hand away): Get off me, you'll ruin my manicure!!! What kind of sick trap is this?!?! Ro-Jo attack!!!!

Scratch: What the -

(Helen's small black poodle is around Scratch's legs as once as Helen makes a quick getaway. Scratch tries to grab her arm, but Ro-Jo jumps up and bites him in the groin) AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

(Cut to Scratch in the confessional. He is wearing bandages in multiple places)

Scratch: These 20-somethings are a lot harder to swindle than I originally thought. I just can't believe I'm having a problem getting the souls of such ignorant fools. I'm gonna take one more crack at this…

(Cut to Marlene writing in her journal on the kitchen counter. Scratch comes up besides her and pulls over a chair)

Scratch: Hey Marlene.

Marlene: Yo dude.

Scratch: Whatcha doing?

Marlene: I'm writing about what it means for me to love women and be Jewish and -

Scratch (interrupting her): let me just get to the point.

Marlene: what?

Scratch: Marlene, what is the one thing you want more than anything else in the world?

Marlene: You know Scratch, I always wanted to live in a more caring and understanding world. A world that embraces all of our differences! A world that smiles on diversity! A world -

Scratch: That's great, Marlene. I'll give you all that crap for your soul.

Marlene: What?

Scratch (pulling out a piece of paper): just sign here on the dotted line.

Marlene (takes the paper and examines it): What the…? (takes the paper, crumples it up, and throws it back at Scratch, stands up) Look buddy, you can't have my soul! My soul will be born again in the next life! I resent you pushing your Judeo-Christian belief system onto me!!!!!

Scratch: What? I thought you were Jewish?!

Marlene: Jewish and Buddhist honey!

Scratch: How the -

Marlene: Let me tell you, it is possible! It's all the narrow-minded people in the world like you that keep us from coming together and seeing the beauty in diversity!

Scratch: I'm really sorry, I -

Marlene: and I really expected more from an educated gay man like yourself!

Scratch (getting up out of his chair): I am not gay!

Marlene: What?! Why'd you say it like that?!

Scratch: I -

Marlene: Now you have a problem with gay people?!?! You're such a homophobic asshole! (She punches him in his stomach which is already hurting from the dog attack. Scratch doubles over in pain as Marlene leaves the room screaming about getting all the roommates together to vote him out. Sloppy Seconds' "Why don't lesbians love me" plays in the background - okay, you try finding a song that relates lesbians to hell and is not written by the KKK)

(Cut to inserted interview with Marlene)

Marlene: What a bastard! I just don't understand Scratch. One second, he's a perfectly nice guy, and the next second he's a *BEEP*ing bastard! It's like he has two identities or something! What a nut-job! Freud would have a field day with him!

(Cut to Scratch in the confessional. He is even more badly bruised than before)

Scratch: That's it! I've had enough of this. I'm not waiting for them to vote me out. I'm leaving this *BEEP*ing house as soon as I can!!!

(Cut to inserted interview with Sonya)

Sonya (with a big smile): I have some plans of my own for Scratch...

(Cut to Scratch packing alone in his room. He is muttering things about the roommates to himself. All of the sudden, a loud bang is heard in the background and the camera shifts to show that Sonya has just entered the room and is now standing against the door she has slammed shut. Scratch looks up at her)

Scratch: Hey Sonya.

Sonya: Hey baby. (Scratch goes back to packing. Sonya walks up to him until she is standing right behind him. She blows on his neck. Scratch doesn't notice for a minute but then he does and jumps back)

Scratch: What are you doing?

Sonya (wrapping her arms around him): Don't try to resist me! You know this is right!

Scratch (trying to pull away): Sonya, please! What are you doing?

Sonya (grabs him more tightly, hurls him onto the bed, and sits on top of him): Don't tell me you haven't thought about this before?!

Scratch (struggling underneath her): No Sonya, I actually haven't!

Sonya (pins him down. He stops moving): Well let me tell you something, baby. From the moment I saw you all I wanted to do was attack you and *BEEP* you till the sun came up!

Scratch (resumes his struggle): Sonya, I don't think this is gonna work!

Sonya (pins him down again): What? How could you say that?! I was ready to give you all of me! My body, my heart, my soul!!!!!!

Scratch (abruptly stops struggling): what did you say?

Sonya: my body, my heart -

Scratch: you said your soul!!!!!

Sonya (quizzically): well, yeah, I guess I did -

Scratch (enthusiastically): Excellent!

Sonya (smiles): Then you want to be with me, my love?

Scratch: You betcha!

(Sonya smiles and attacks Scratch. She continues kissing him and the camera cuts to a view of Scratch's window from the outside of the house. We can still hear the couple making out. Then we hear Sonya say, "Believe me, you are in for the ride of your life!!!" and then we hear a crunching sound and Scratch's blood curdling scream which gives us the impression that he's in for a little more that he bargained for…The last words he utters are "This is hell, nor am I out of it!!!" before his voice is drowned out by Cradle of Filth's "A Gothic Romance")

(Cut to the other five roommates eating at the dinner table)

Marlene: Boy am I glad we got rid of Scratch…I don't know where he went, but at least he's not bothering any of us. God, will someone throw out that damn marionette he left in the kitchen.

Ben: Don't worry, I threw it out this morning.

Jamal: Hey, has anyone seen Sonya around recently?

Marlene: No, I was just wondering where she might have gone off to…oh well, I'm sure she's just getting her groove on at some goth convention. She'll turn up sooner or later.

Kyle: Hey Ben, will you pass the lamb?

Ben: Certainly.

Marlene: I'd just like to say that I'm still a little peeved that ya'll didn't wanna go for the tofu lamb.

Helen: Come on Marlene, it's Easter! You gotta have real lamb on Easter!

Marlene: Oh please, it's not like you won't just go throw it up later anyway Miss Priss. Ben, pass the kugel. Let's not forget it's Pesach too!

(Cut to a view of the house form the outside. The roommates are still talking but we can't really hear what they're saying. The Jane's Addiction cover of "Sympathy for the Devil" plays in the background as the credits start to roll)