OK, so at first the metaphor was lost on me: that each slat
parted to let in more light. Each time I slit
my fingertip on an envelope, each time I lost a nickel to a slot
machine, I blamed someone else—the slut
who seduced my husband, her perfume like the sleet
that blinded our windshield before the last
exit to Stillwater, so that our Toyota lost
control and landed on the median. I made a list
of how I’d been wronged. My lust
grew for what I thought I deserved: the very least
of which was unquestionable adoration and fairy tale
endings. I wrote a suicide note with Scrabble tiles
then sped through each Route 66 booth, refusing to pay tolls
on my way to the Admiral Twin Drive-In in Tulsa,
where I'd always gone for sanctuary and where, my father tells
me, I was conceived. After the double feature, my car stalls—
well not exactly my car, but the one I stole
from her. I changed the plates, telling myself I didn't want to be traced from Still-
water, but it would have been nice if someone had followed. I salute
each mosquito, then climb in the back seat. The Man of Steel
flies through my dreams—my unconscious, a slate
upon which I direct my own Hollywood desires. Sloth
tempers my melodrama until each and every slight
seems like too much effort to fight. An Oklahoman sleuth
taps on the car window at dawn. His whistle sounds like a sleigh
bell. An elderly guard, his moustache like clock hands, halts
my sleep, but jump starts my battery. He points me to hotels
down the road. I stop at 7-11 for a toothbrush, then register at the Hilton
and pay with cash. A clerk lets me check in early, the hustle
of vacuum cleaners in the surrounding rooms soothing on the heels
of my own life as a housewife. Kids next door are playing Slay
on their Pocket PCs. I recognize the Medieval pings. I'm a sleuth
too—always sniffing for clues for any sleight
of heart. Could I be having second thoughts? Or is sloth
holding me back? One bottle of pills could wipe my slate
clean. Why did I slip that 7-11 toothbrush in my pocket? Why did I steal
the other woman's car? Do I want to be caught, salute
an officer, then hold out my wrists for handcuffs, still
expecting my husband to come bail me out? Her mink stole
had shed on him and made me wheeze. Yet I stall
in front of the antidepressants. I call a psychic who tells
me a new love is waiting for me in Tulsa.
A love whose favorite color is orange. A love who toils
under the sun, working construction, fitting tiles
on roofs. A love with such a sunny disposition, all the dogs' tails
in the neighborhood wag when he arrives. She says to at least
wait until the moon is in Leo, when lust
will fill his heart, before I am convinced all hope is lost.
Until then, she says I should make a list
of all the things that make me happy: my last
juicy cheeseburger. The way tree branches covered in sleet
look like bracelets. My favorite V-neck sweater and slut-
red lipstick. Letters with good news slipped through my mail slot.
My Gucci wraparound sunglasses. My skirt slit.
The stripes of light that shine through each slat.