CHARLOTTE, NC—During what was described to them as "a look-forward meeting to
discuss and evaluate the company's event-chain methodology," MediaLine employees
stood with mouths agape Wednesday as they witnessed the very moment at which
project manager James Atkins attained complete mastery over the fine art of
meaningless corporate doublespeak.
Project manager James Atkins has at last perfected his idle administrative blather.
According to his awed coworkers, Atkins' usage of vacuous administrative jargon
reached an almost mythical apex with the pre-lunchtime announcement, during which a
string of expertly crafted drivel rolled off the 28-year-old's tongue with the
confidence of a seasoned executive.
"Due to the increased scope of the project vis-à-vis Tuesday's meeting, compounded
with our aforementioned desire to maintain quality without increasing cost, an
as-yet indeterminate amount of time will be allocated to our newest venture,"
Atkins said without once stuttering. "You should all be proud of the amount of
effort and energy you have put forth thus far, and can be certain the project's
conclusion will become more apparent as the tasks become increasingly more finite."
Atkins then told the stunned boardroom, "I look forward to partying with you all
when the work is done," and concluded the meeting by saying he had to "step out."
After they had regained their senses, his coworkers determined that this seemingly
innocuous send-off was, in actuality, an attempt by Atkins to portray himself as a
regular guy—a clever tactic that only further proved him to be a veritable wizard
of ambiguous executive nonsense.
However, the magnitude of Atkins' achievement was only fully understood later,
after employees finished sorting through the cloud of lilting bureaucratic bullshit
that spewed forth from his mouth and deduced their project manager had just
informed them that he had no idea when the new project would be completed, and no
one would be receiving overtime pay.
"My God, just listen to him spin that empty administrative rhetoric into flaxen
strands of gold," said a visibly stunned Tim Rosen, one of the company's head
market researchers. "The fact that he could come in here and talk to us like that
is…. Well, I'm speechless."
MediaLine president Brian Morrow was among the first to recognize Atkins for his
newly achieved mastery of corporate gibberish. After years of directing Atkins to a
large binder whenever he asked for tips on speaking with employees, Morrow said he
knew his protégé had become a true virtuoso of business jargon when he witnessed
Atkins enter the conference room with a newly acquired clipboard and ask a group of
adults to participate in a "targeted brainstorm."
According to Morrow, Atkins is now closer than ever to receiving a promotion after
confidently relaying the message that employees needed to "focus on diversifying
the brand"— a masterful phrase of managerial gobbledygook devoid of any significant
content that Morrow admits he himself doesn't fully understand and is unable to
deliver convincingly.
"We are very impressed that James has made great strides to elaborate in this
solution-oriented manner so as to more adequately harness heightened executive
verbiage when such platitudes aren't necessarily mission critical," Morrow told
reporters. "That's what we desire from those managers who are employed by, work
for, touch base with, and attain biweekly compensation from, MediaLine. If he keeps
up this outside-the-box thinking, and continues to focus on diversifying the brand,
perhaps there could be a position opening up for him here at corporate."
When Atkins first joined MediaLine as a young market researcher in 2003, he was
reportedly inept at using such inane administrative buzzwords and phrases. Sources
close to him said he "spoke like a normal person" and wasn't even sure he wanted to
enter the field of marketing. He only applied for the company's project manager
position, colleagues said, because the increased salary would offer him a better
chance to pay off college loans.
"When he first took the job two years ago, he told me, 'They're putting me in
charge of making sure that stuff gets done,'" art assistant Kyle Bovard said.
"That's why I was amazed when I overheard him on the phone yesterday describing his
position as 'a facilitator tasked with developing predictable increments that are
intricately tied to benchmarks, milestones, and completion dates.'"
"I don't know how somebody even begins to talk like that," Bovard added.
When asked to comment on his recent success, Atkins responded in a one-line e-mail,
stating, "FYI ETA TBD EOM."
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/91235
A recent (May 2009) paragraph from the White House
on 'Cyperspace policy review
"Convene appropriate interagency mechanisms to conduct interagency-cleared legal analyses of priority
cybersecurity-related issues identified during the policy-development process and formulate coherent unified policy
guidance that clarifies roles, responsibilities, and the application of agency authorities for cybersecurity-related
activities across the Federal government."
(http://www.whitehouse.gov/assets/documents/Cyberspace_Policy_Review_final.pdf)
A spoof of managerial
double-speak from The Onion.
Manager Achieves Full Mastery Of Pointless Managerial Jargon